


He Could Be You

by casey_sms (shinygreenwords), shinygreenwords



Category: American Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, The Social Network RPF
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Dark, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Illness, Non-Explicit Sex, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-09
Updated: 2011-02-09
Packaged: 2017-10-15 13:13:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/161138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/casey_sms, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/shinygreenwords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>‘30 Minutes or Less’ is a hit because people can’t get enough of him. So is ‘Zombieland 2’. But as all hype does, it eventually dies down.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Could Be You

**Author's Note:**

> Companion to [Hiding in Plain Sight](http://archiveofourown.org/works/159755) but can be read alone. The idea came from [this article](http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/features/jesse-eisenberg---the-young-star-with-the-status-update-2203505.html) in which Jesse says, "The more people say nice things about me, the more I feel it's false. Or the more I look for the things that are bad about me, and think those are the real ones. I could overhear somebody say something about me, and it destroys me for a week. Yet I could win an award or hear nice reviews and it feels meaningless." Ouch. Title is modified from Shawn Hlookoff’s “She Could Be You” popularized by ‘Kyle XY’. What inspired this was particularly the lines _“I wish that I could tell you/ What you don't know/ I dream about that day/ But it's impossible/ In another world,/ I'll be yours tonight/ But I can't break free from this life”._ Pretty much the whole song.

‘30 Minutes or Less’ is a hit because people can’t get enough of him. So is ‘Zombieland 2’. But as all hype does, it eventually dies down. Jesse wanted to do something for himself. He tells himself he has no regrets about taking the role of a small dark, comedy about an artist who writes about his repeated failures at suicide. He is the ultimate failure. He doesn’t even need method. It’s not even character bleed. This is something he knows like the back of his hand.

His agent lets him do it because “tortured roles are always good for award nominations. Try not to fuck it up, Jesse. You want to keep the balance between good crazy and crazy no one wants to touch.”

It flops anyway. His agent is disappointed. Lines him up another nervous virgin role that he doesn’t want to do. He tells his agent no and his agent tells him he’s making a mistake. To think about it. The agent lines up some promo for his flop saying, “You picked this. You explain it.”

He can’t go out anymore. His confidence level has dropped past the low fuel indicator to be able to drive (he has to be confident enough otherwise sitting behind the wheel feels like too huge of a responsibility, someone could flip him off, he could sit in front of the lights and be frozen, he could miss a turn, he could kill someone- he’d rather walk.) He’s not exactly hiding but he feels like there’s a price on his head and paparazzi wanting to catch him doing something stupid. It’s been like that ever since he had a ‘meltdown’ (their words, not his) when a reporter asked him stupid questions that he’s already answered. They were goading him on purpose. His therapist always says that you should stand up for yourself. So he did.

His agent was livid. Jesse doesn’t blame him.

*

**“Jesse Eisenberg has a breakdown, admits to suicidal thoughts and using drugs.”**

Steven Brown: How does it feel like to have a flop after three successful hits in a row?

Jesse Eisenberg: Thanks for pointing out what I failure I am.

SB: What do you say about people who say you always act the same? That you can’t act? How do you respond to that criticism?

JE: [laughs] It makes me want to kill myself.

SB: So is it true you see a therapist regularly? What does s/he think about this?

JE: I don’t want to talk about this.

SB: Are you currently on medication?

JE: Yeah. I smoke lots of crack. Self-medicating.

SB: Any last words?

JE: F*ck you very much. [Makes a rude gesture]

*

“Latest update: Jesse Eisenberg in rehab.”

*

His agent made him go to rehab. Full of rich people with issues. He bullshits his therapists and attributes the breakdown to stress. He does a bit of art therapy. He lets them take away his phone. Only his agent and mom calls him anyway. (A skinny girl there screamed when they took away her phone like full on hit the floor screaming.) He’s not the biggest name. He hears some pop starlet is in. He hasn’t really got a drug issue. He says this and of course then don’t believe him so when they dry him out as a precaution before his tests come back clean anyway, it’s easy. He sits and reads. Jesse complies. Goes to group therapy to listen to other people bitch about how sad it is to be famous, how hard. He nods and shares some feelings. On the second week, he plans his dramatic breakdown and seeing the light. He repeats what his therapists have told him. He promises to deal with his stress in constructive ways. It’s too easy. He checks out as soon as he can.

He lies low.

This is when he decides to do it. He saw all the Hollywood style self-mutilation scars in the clinic. Famous people don’t want to ruin their bodies. They do it in other ways. Rehab made him do it.

He starts on his thighs. He’ll never be able to do another sex scene. Either they’ll have to cut it out or use a body double. Good. He hates being stripped for the camera.

Jesse shuts everyone out. Eventually, Anna leaves.

He hasn’t talked to Andrew properly in months. Andrew broke up with Shannon. But it wasn’t because of him. They just grew apart. It didn’t make him go to Jesse either because life isn’t a romance. Andrew just kept working. Andrew has been a good friend but he’s been so busy. Jesse is just someone he worked with. Jesse was a good fuck. He knows he can be.

The calls taper off. Andrew’s doing well. Jesse doesn’t mind. He’s happy for him. He is. Maybe he’s a tiny bit jealous but only because he wishes he could be happy and handsome too. He doesn’t want to take anything away from Andrew, not someone so deserving. It’s Andrew that’s apologetic and pities him even though he’s too nice to say it. Jesse stops calling back.

He hacks at himself.

It’s not enough. He knows what it feels like to not be enough. It’ll never be enough. He’ll never get there. The world is just a cosmic disappointment and he is the butt of a Michael Cera joke. When people look up failure, they’re going to find a picture of him and say “what an Eisenberg.” His name is synonymous with shame and failure.

No one ever calls him any more. Not even his agent. Only his therapist and he’s started lying to his therapist again. He says that he’s learning to be himself without being an actor. His therapist nodded. He’s always an actor. He’s fakefakefake.

One day, one boring day, he scores up and down his arms. _Down the road not across the street._

He’s alone. It hurts.

He doesn’t know why but he calls Andrew. Andrew’s nice. Andrew can keep him company for a little while.

“Hey Jesse.”

“Andrew,” he chokes out. “You busy?”

“Are you alright?” Immediately concern.

“We haven’t talked for a while. Just wanted to know how you going.”

He lets Andrew talk. He has a nice voice. Jesse’s feeling sleepy.

It must be because he’s tired because he lets slip. “I’m so fucking scared.”

“Jesse? Jess, where are you? Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t want to die alone,” he sobs. He’s horrified that he’s already in pieces.

“You’re not going to die, Jess. Where are you? I’ll be there right now.”

“It’s too late. Too late. Everyone hates me. I hate myself. I’m a failure. You can’t be seen with me.”

“No, Jesse, no. Please don’t say things like that. I don’t hate you. I like you a lot okay? I really, really like you.”

But not enough to love him. “I know you’re lying but I appreciate it anyway,” Jesse is crying, tears running down his face. “Thank you. I’m sorry. You deserved better. It’s not your fault.”

“Jesse, I’m not- Listen- Where are you?” Andrew is feeling increasingly frantic.

“Thanks for caring about me. You’re a good friend,” Jesse slurs. “Goodbye.”

Andrew hears the dial tone and he knows his world has fallen apart.

*

When Jesse wakes up, Andrew’s holding his hand.

“You’re awake.” Andrew says with a smile like it is the most wonderful thing that has happened to him.

Jesse coughs.

“Don’t talk.” He grabs a cup of water and holds it up to Jesse’s lips. “I was so worried about you.”

Jesse drinks greedily. “I hate you,” he croaks.

Andrew bites his lip thinking about the scared voice he heard. “I wasn’t ready to let you go. I won’t. I can’t lose you.”

“I wanted to die,” Jesse says, his eyes a piercing blue. “I want to die.”

“I want you to live. I will never be sorry about that.” Andrew doesn’t mention that it was Jesse who called him. He holds on to some part of Jesse wanting to be saved.

“I hate you,” Jesse says again in a dull voice. He tries to pull his hand away. He tries to sit up.

“Jess, calm down. Please. You’ll hurt yourself.”

Jesse stops and looks at Andrew. “I know.”

Then he screams and thrashes like a caged animal, he rips out his IVs. He’s clawing at his bandages.

Andrew presses the call button. He tries to stop Jesse but Jesse has a hunted look in his eye, he growls and bares his teeth like he’ll bite Andrew. Andrew backs away, “I’m not going to hurt you.”

For a moment, it seems like Jesse is willing to listen.

The nurses bust in and Jesse throws him a betrayed look before trying to run. He doesn’t get anywhere but he fights tooth and nail.

It takes two nurses to hold him down, Jesse’s eyes dart from side to side and he howls. They sedate him. Jesse goes limp in their grip. They have to change his clothes.

*

Jesse is strapped to the bed. He spits at Andrew.

Andrew wipes his face, his hands shaking. “I hope one day you’ll forgive me,” Andrew says, eyes welling up. “I love you.”

Jesse screams again. It’s piercing, painful.

The nurses ignore him.

Andrew sits there helpless. After a while, he yells too. The nurses give him a look but don’t say anything. The ward is fairly noisy. There are tortured souls wailing at all times of the day. He doesn’t know how everyone is supposed to recover with the racket going on. He reaches inside of himself and rages. It’s nothing he hasn’t done before.

Jesse doesn’t hear him. He barely stops to take a breath. He loses his voice.

By then, Andrew’s is mostly gone too. He rasps, “I love you” before they make him go home.

*

_Andrew is inside Jesse. “You’re so good. I think I love you.”_

_Jesse sounds surprised. “You love me?”_

_“Yeah,” Andrew pants._

*

Andrew hates that he’s losing the sense of urgency when they call him again in the middle of the night. He’s so tired.

“I’m sorry to wake you, Mr Garfield. Mr Eisenberg’s been put on watch.”

“What was it this time?” Andrew says, already shrugging on a jacket and grabbing his pack. He calculates how many red lights he can afford to run. He has to be careful now or they’ll suspend him from driving for good. (Emma drove him every day for the three months and he’s eternally grateful.)

They tell him. “I’ll be there. Thanks for letting me know.”

He never stops being scared of losing Jesse.

*

“Jesse?”

Jesse stares blankly ahead and doesn’t respond.

They changed his meds. He stopped screaming. He hasn’t spoken in over a week.

Andrew reaches for Jesse’s bony hand. It’s cold, clammy. He waits.

*

“Andrew, I’m not saying you should give up on him. I just think…maybe you need help,” Emma says, wincing even when the words come out gently. “I just want you to be happy.”

“Yeah well that’s what I want for Jesse. Sometimes you don’t get what you want,” Andrew says, unable to keep the bitterness from his voice. He saves the best part of himself for Jesse. He doesn’t have any more optimism left for anyone else.

Emma doesn’t say anything. She squeezes his hand. Her hand is warm.

(In another world, he would have fallen in love with her.)

*

Jesse is staring at him like he’s sketching his face.

Andrew wonders if he knows who he is or if he’ll have to remind him again. He has the laminated pictures in his bag. He doesn’t mind. He likes talking about happier times, watching Jesse trace the photos with a questioning look.

“That’s you and me.”

Andrew has learned to talk and fill in the silences. It’s not so bad. It’s better than the days when Jesse doesn’t remember where he is and doesn’t respond to his own name.

*

Andrew goes to therapy too now.

“The doctor’s have said that he’s making some progress.”

“That’s good news,” Dr George says with an indulgent smile.

Andrew wishes that he could have Jesse back sooner. Its good news yes but he can’t help but want more. It feels like he’s been waiting forever.

“Jesse will heal in his own time. Maybe you should think about what you’re doing with your time. We’re here to talk about you.”

“I don’t want to be doing anything else.”

Dr George sighs.

Andrew is silent for the rest of the hour. Silence is contagious.

*

Andrew dreams about Jesse talking to him. Them having dinner together. Jesse laughing. Jesse drinking the disgusting herbal teas that he likes. Jesse sitting with his cats. The little things he took for granted.

He wakes up and hates that he’s disappointed. He pretends that the wetness on his face is sweat.

*

“‘ndrew?” Jesse is barely audible. His voice is rough from disuse.

“I’m here, Jess.” The words come to him easily, the smile already blooming across his face. “I’m here for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Firstly – thanks for reading and getting through such a dark piece. Second this is a long reflective statement so feel free to skip this.
> 
> Let’s talk in terms of this story: in this one, Jesse kind of ‘checks out’ euphemistically speaking. The focalization change to Andrew (at the part where he realizes his world has fallen apart) reflects that. Originally it was going to end there. Then I thought what if Jesse survives? What then? So Andrew does save him but Jesse has to want to be saved. It’s not that simple. From the stories I’ve read in the past, especially in shorter fics, the character is usually ‘happy’ to be saved. I wanted to explore one in which the person resents being saved.
> 
> The ending is ambiguous. It’s a bit Inception-y I suppose. I don’t know if it came off that way but one interpretation is that Andrew is dreaming Jesse gets better... (lol if I didn’t pull it off then you just got a bad surprise – sorry reader /o\\) What happens in suicide-attempt trope/kink stories is that either it’s depressing and they never get better or they get better and things have never been better. Of course this is a generalization. Because I’ve always found this an interesting trope, I’m willing to read bad!fic to see it explored. I’ve read many good ones too but sometimes I’ve felt the extremes still (too late or too early.) Great ones do tend to be epic length so I’m not sure I’d qualify under my own definition of ‘great’. This is me as a writer though so opinionz (it doesn’t mean I don’t leave a comment and enjoy the fic all the same). I’m sure someone will think stuff like this about this story – I’d love to hear about that. This is one of the types of fic I feel terrible critiquing and talking about because it is a terrible subject matter and many writers have personal experience. [For transparency: I do but I’m talking in terms of the story as a narrative and not my life story because that’s another story that’s much longer ;)]
> 
> I also wanted to explore that time in between. It can be really hard for you to watch someone suffer and the person in question doesn’t _want_ that to happen but they just can’t see outside their problems. This stuff can bring whole families down. So maybe Jesse gets better but what about Andrew? Huge, huge issues covered in a piece that is shorter than my 5x fics. Issues that I truly have no idea how to ‘fix’ even in fiction.
> 
> Three reasons for the length:  
> \- weighty topic and dragging it out is painful for me  
> \- I feel like I can’t cover it all  
> \- I don’t know if I want to, to reduce it like that
> 
> That said, a happy ending isn’t impossible. Even if it’s a dream, it can come true. People do heal. Andrew is willing to get help and he’s willing to wait for Jesse. And maybe that’s what really matters.
> 
> Thanks for reading again.


End file.
